The holidays have been an epiphany for me. We all knew that when we lost Lynn, that things would be quite different. What I didn’t realize was how different, both in range and in scale. First off I want to say, not for the first time, how wonderful Erik has been to me. He has done his level best, to the maximum of his ability, to ease my transition into this new world. No one can or could do any better!
I didn’t only lose my soul mate and Wife; I lost a way of life. Our, and my, old life, traditions, actions and responses are gone. Erik and I did the Christmas dinner with him doing the heavy lifting. My contributions were small, but they were small when cooking with Lynn. There was a complete role-reversal, and that was OK.
Connor and Erik said a small prayer at the start of dinner and offered that Lynn was with him in spirit as he cooked. Kialy lost it; her sadness was profound as she missed her Grandmother. It really hit me when I was eating a piece of white meat, and I had no one to pass my skin (off the slice) to. I had always passed it to Lynn as it was probably her favorite part.
Connor and Kialy are wonderful grandkids and their presence dulls the pain and
keeps me occupied. What a joy they are; Lynn had many plans for them, plans for Kialy’s wedding, traditions to pass on. We spoke often about them and I do know what some of Lynn’s intentions were. I will faithfully carry them out, to the best of my ability.
So, my old life is completely gone; only the memories remain. I am really starting off fresh and there are many that would give a lot to be in my shoes. The problem is that I am not ready to close that ‘door’ yet. I must close it to thrive in the future; I must get a better handle on this situation – I just don’t want to.
They say that time heals all wounds; I question the veracity of that platitude.